How Have I Been?

How are you?
I am fine.

I always say I am fine.
I dun know if that is an honest answer.
Yet the person who asked the question may not want to / have the time to hear the whole story.

I stopped blogging here for some time.
Partly because I was so tied up with work.
Mainly cuz I was emotionally spent.

July had been a tough month.
And quite a bit of emotional upheaval.
And it got to a point where I did not want to talk about it. It is too tiring to even blog about it.

And throughout all these tough times, Jay Chou and his songs have been my source of solace.

His songs, and the lyrics of many of them, are like a shield to my torrid emotions, a balm to wrecked heart and soul, and some of them made me cry.. some of those pent up tears and emotions which i was able to let out so i feel better.

For that, I really love Jay Chou.
Sometimes I wonder if there are many unhappy people in this world, and hence, Jay Chou's popularity is attributed to all these unhappy people finding strong resonance in his songs.. I wonder.

But I moved on. As the sun continues to shine, as the time continues to tick, I stride forwards in my journey.

Life has not been all bad. Just that sometimes, my hearts feels a lot of pain, and a lot of heavy emotions.

It is really not easy to be always cheerful and smiley. It is so hard - to be genuinely happy.

And for me, when I am sad, I am doubly sad as I often think about the past. Which tend to make me sadder.

To a certain extent, I have chosen and be where I am today, because I have chosen to depart from a portion of the past, a certain portion of my memories.

But when I stumble, or get entangled in a rough patch, I started having so much doubts.
My past haunts me sometimes. And I hate it.

I am still tired. I want to hide and rest.
But the reality hardly allows for that.
Particularly so when one is a mum, the responsibility of family and kids sometimes make oe forget or put away oneself.
And that in itself is a very heavy burden to bear...

走在后面的我

我常发现我常走在你的后面. 跟着你.
看着你的背阴.

我想, 我们的步伐是几时开始不一样的?

跟在后头的路, 若终点是一样的, 可以快乐吗?

跟在后头会比在一旁信服吗?

我们看的东西一样吗?

是你快了, 还是我累了, 慢了?

Shopping is in the air..

I discovered the following and I had gone CRAZY!!!!!!!

http://community.livejournal.com/_spreee

I love sprees.. cuz it is like shopping with a bunch of cyberbuddies who want the same things..
I have already paid for bags and tees and pants..
Can't wait to receive them...

Some ppl may say..
- sure or not..
- will the goods come or not..
- the transactions safe or not..

In that sense, I think I am rather experimental.
I like to do buy things online - shop online, transact online..

I will show you guys my goodies once they come.. can't wait!!

*******************************************

I just went Robinson sale to buy 1 pair of shoes for hubby, 2 polo tees for him, 1 book for En, some baby toiletries and a cheapo black top which is nothing exciting at all..


Since my change in "size" it had kinda taken the fun outta shopping..
I used to be able to go sale and just grab any top I like in S size, and go Q to pay.These days, i don't even know what those weird numbers mean anymore..

We have like 0,2, 4, and then the 8, 10, 12 and then the 36,38 etc etc..
So confusing!!! And I dunno what size I am anymore..

I can't confidently fit into S anymore.. and it makes me a bit sick.
A bit sick to go in and out of fitting room.
A bit sick to try sort out what size is me.
I did not discover until now that I used to only go into fitting room to see how good or how badly the clothes fit me, not a REAL FIT/ RIGHT SIZE issue.

So now my trip to dressing room are more complex. First I have to figure out if the clothes are the right size for me, and THEN consider if they look good on me.. Blah!

What a hassle! and it is NO FUN AT ALL...

So hubby was asking just now - anything you want to buy for yourself..
I don't enjoy buying for myself anymore..

And as i blog this, i am getting depressed.. Fat and depressed.
And a tad traumatised.

Return of The Drinking Queen

Last Wednesday, given the public holiday on Thursday, I feel like going to Zouk.. but did not go in the end.. work took my mind away...

But my alcohol in-take for the past week, was more than what i had last year.. since I was pregnant with En 2 years ago, i stopped drinking. NOt even a tiny drop of alcohol, even after I delivered him, I was careful not to drink - and sure enough before long I was pregnant with my second kid again..

But last weekend, I am back to enjoying my drinks..
On Friday night, we had drinks at Cafe Del Mar, I had my usual magarita (an assessment of how good the club is, then I had a lychee martini and followed by coffee.. *win* after the liquor has drown my sense, I had coffee to perk me up.

The tonight, Mr. A and Ms. L came over. And we have my fav. Reisling, and following by a mean Shiraz..

Now I am still lucidly blogging..
I can hold my drinks rather well.. am well trained from all the cheong-ing days.

But now, I find i enjoyed my drinks more. In the past, I drink to test my limits, or to vent my frustrations, hoping to get sordidly drunk so that I can have some momentary escapes from whatever problems I faced.

However, now drinking is about un-winding.. and about the company, and about the conversation..

Now that Hubby learnt to enjoy the Red after his China trip.. I have a new drink buddy!
We are shopping for a wine chiller, so we can expand our liquor collection.. Hooray!

To more grapes-turned-gorgeous wine..

secrets...

everyone has secrets. yet there is no such things as a real secret. because the secret typically involved a second party (person, things/ entity) which is apt to spill the beans.
Hence, to me, the word secret itself is kinda like an oxymoron.

*****************************************
I have a secret lunch partner. someone who will ring me or text me for lunch even though we are so close to each other. And then we will meet in the lobby. Today, i received such a sms again. We met at the lift lobby and rush off to lunch. And on the way, we saw some of the people who know us. No big deal.. but if it so, why do we have to text each other to meet n the lobby when we are merely cubicles apart? strange... i think 2 of us did it without knowing why we did it. Just like sometimes I want to share something with this secret partner and i will send a text. Why can't i walk across and say what I want to say.. dunno.. strange.

*****************************************

I think as i write this, someone is tearing or feeling woeful. because a secret came to light.
or rather what was a normal was brought to light in an abnormal way. Much like how the paparazzi would distort stories and plant little seeds of suspicion in publics mind. after which, it will be meaningless to explain. Why explain when we, as human beings, will think whatever we want anyway. if you are crying.. save the tears, it is not worth it.. to worry about what others may think. I know it is tough, and if i were you, i would want to hide away and never come back, but in situations like this, having a strong sense of self is critical.

I am who i am and what you think have no impact at all on who I am. Not even a little bit.
Your thoughts only reflect on the person that you are, and not who I am.
Be strong.

******************************************
I have many secrets. and i sometimes wonder if they will ever come to light...
I sometimes look at people and wonder about their past.
Much of my long ago past is a secret - but a secret known by only a few people... (see the oxymoron-ness of the word secret).

i hide my secrets, and my past in a little corner of my heart. My brain has chosen to forget it. But some residue could be found in my heart.
secrets are funny things.. they are so tiny that they could be hidden away.. but they weigh so heavy that one bears the burden of it.

I think the burden of keeping something secret is painful.. but yet, i sometimes relish the thought that because of my secrets, I have kept myself "separate" from everyone else. There is always a part of me that the world can't reach, some parts which only some ppl had access to.

they will always remain secrets because it is hard to think abt them, much less talk abt them.
life can be hard.. then again no one ever told me it is easy.

问世间情为何物?

Recently I was addicted to watching the Return of Condor Heroes on VCD, the 2006 edition..
Before I get into talking about love and condor heroes..

Jin Yong wrote this classic way back in 1959.
Every decade since 1980s, there has been a re-make of this classic by the TV stations..
Notingly, it has propel the male lead playing Yang Guo into mega stardom (OK, not for Christopher Lee, and perhaps not too sure about this guy in the 2006 remake).

In 1983, Andy Lau played what was to me, the best Yang Guo character.. and it propelled him into megastardom which lasts for over 20 years and counting.. (Oh, and that show also produced another brilliant actor - though he was only an extra in that show - Liu QingYun was a guard standing in front of 乡阳城, I recognise him years later when I saw a re-run of that series! Hilarious!)


In 1995, I fell in love with Louis Koo, way before anyone know who is this 古天乐, way before he became famous after going the tanned guy route... Back then, I was so obsessed with him, when no one could understand why.. and my girlfriends all laughed at me being crazy over a wishy-washy guy.. but he then went on to be the cool macho guy who made tanning all the hype for men.. talk about spotting the gem..

And now, I am lapping up the 2006 remake of my favourite classic of Jin Yong.. and while I am not sure if this will propel the guy into mega stardom, it has already made the gal playing 小龙女 Liu YiFei one of the youngest China stars going off the Hollywood!

I love 神雕侠女 when I first saw it.. way back when I was just a really young gal.. I was less than 10 years old when I saw this, but I never forget it..

I fell in love with both Andy Lau and the character Yang Guo.. maybe you can say that they are my very first love.. and this classic taught me quite a lot about love.. it illustrated to me what overcoming the odds mean.. and the value in being unconventional..

It planted seeds of idea of what love is like and what it means to love.. it gave me my first notion "greatness" - country before self and people we love before ourselves..and importantly, it set my expectations of what love is like..

To me, the ideals of love that Jin Yong propagated are not unrealistic.. I feel he depicted what it means to love very well.. what is 大爱, and while i hated the wishy washy-ness of 小龙女, seeing the love she inspires in Yang Guo really touched me.. To love that wholeheartedly, that faithfully - through the years, unmoved by other gals' adoration of him, Yang Guo is the epitome of my ideal lover ...

Those ideas and impressions formed so many years ago left an indelible print on me.. it shaped my views on men.. and my views on love.. And in this age of many a frivoulous relationships, and many a faithless man.. i find myself wishing things are simpler..

Every woman needs a faithful man - a man who thinks the world of her woman. Every woman needs a man who is blind to other women he knows that he is in love with the most wonderful and the most beautiful woman in the world..
Every woman needs a man who has the so much of moral integrity and backbone, that being crazily in love with his woman does not compromise his macho-ness one bit..

I feel this funny feeling in my heart when I heard Yang Guo saying that he will only love his 姑姑 in the whole of this world.. and meant it by waiting 16 years for her..

Anyways... i think sometimes, shows can teach us a lot about love..
This Channel 8 drama series I am watching at 9pm everyday also taught me a lot about love and men.. but more on that next time...

I am off to continue with the episodes..

Yes, I am a sucker for love dramas.. my parents started me real young, so what to do?

And I have to end up marrying this guy who was in love with this gal for 7 yrs before he met me lor.. if it is not an ironic twist that life has dealt me, I dunno what it is lor... :)

Succumb to materialism

YOU KNOW WHAT, FOR ALL THE MONEY I AM MAKING, YOU WOULD THINK I WILL BE QUITE HAPPY.. i MEAN I DUN EARN A LOT, BUT IN MY FRAME OF MIND, I EARN ENUF LOR... BUT AM I HAPPY.. I DUN THINK SO AT THIS MOMENT LOR.

SO, MY NEXT COURSE OF ACTION: I AM GONNA GO SUCCUMB TO MATERIALISM AND BUY THE MOST EXPENSIVE WATCH I CAN BUY WITH THE BLINK BLINK ON IT TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

THAT IS WHAT I AM GONNA TO DO.

YES, I CAN BE A MATERIALISTIC SLUT.
BETTER THAN A MATERIALISTIC SLUT THAN A MISERY PIG I GUESS (ALL PUNS INTENDED!)

loss of interests...

Suddenly - in a space of 1 week, i lost interests in a lot of things.. blogging for one, cuz the tots in the mind are spinning faster than I can blog.. and by the time some time had passed, I was not interested in blogging about it anymore.

I lose interests in some many people.. and i dunno how that can happen. I am still wondering about it.

I feel like cutting my hair again.. thk when tat happens, its usually cuz I am so stressed.. but strangely I dun really feel stressed as opposed to feeling quite a bit of angst.. and for me, angst happens when I feel outta control.

I think i need a break.. from a lot of things..

Oh, and recently I met a whole old bunch of people again, and it feels like old times..
I also met a certain someone again.. someone I tot I wont meet again but surprisingly turn up in my life again..

How strange life is really.. when you thought you have it figured out, things happen to turn it upside down again..

Until then, the most interesting thing that happened to me this past week? I realised the following things about me:

1. I am quite the utter bitch - so dun step on my tail and yes, me and some people enjoy bitching about how OFF some people are

2. I am quite good at spewing profanities when my hecks are raised... in the space of this week, I think the string of profanities I have spat must be quite the sum of all that I have uttered for the last year

3. I still like kiddo stuff, bak chew passed me the some cartoon-ish stuff I have asked her to keep a look out for when she was in HK, and I love it.. i even kept the cardboar the stuff came in - a strap which I used for my office pass, a handphone screen cleaning pad and a keychain thinggi. Will photo them I have a chance..

Key takeaways After Spidey 3

I was quite looking forward to watching Spiderman 3 - with the much touted 3 villains and all..

And after the show, my 3 key take aways were:

1. Bad Hair Days - for all the people involved (the credits were really long), you would think that there will be a good hair stylist for Kirsten Durst, Spidey's girlfriend. She has lovely carrot coloured hair in the show, but I dunno why it always looks disheveled and messy .. She looked like an unkempt frumpy gal.. the only scene where her hair was alright was her broadway performance, but even then the hair style did not do the colour justice lor... Pls dun tell me the outta bed hair is in again...

2. Wimps Turn Hero can teach us a lot about man... So a man does get some form of ego boost from being a superhero ("everyone loves me") ... but especially so for nerds who are loved by the woman they like - so these nerds do become immensely devoted and they make good boyfriends.. OK. But trouble follows when ...the ego gets bigger with gals turning themselves inside out over these nerds, they suddenly think that they are so mesmerizing and attractive and started thinking that perhaps they can have more than the gal that are devoted to.. So my theory is that nerds are the worst in resisting temptation because they have been so sooo deprived of adoration that when other women started throwing themselves at this nerd, his ego swells enormously and screws up his brain.

So that is why, even the most adoring of husbands stray - because while once upon a time they would think the stars and moon of their wife, and work so hard to win her, once gotten, and when other women started showing interest in this man, he started thinking he can conquer more than 1 woman. Pathetic.

This delayed ego-booster is often the reason why nerds stray - you know those people whom you think are least likely to stray/ have no qualities that will make them stray.. well think again. Spidey is a classic of that - from Spidey 1 to now!

3. The Gwen Stacy gal somehow keeps reminding me of Gwen stefanie .. dun ask me why. maybe it is the blond hair. Maybe it is the way she posed for the ad.. hmm... and maybe spidey kiss her cuz her hair is neater than MJ lor!

Well, my friend fell asleep halfway through the show, which amused the hell outta me lor!

Work is toxic II

I think work is toxic because it makes u crave for coffee and tea, take unhealthy snacks in place of dinner.. and all the stress..


so toxic.. already pimples popping.. junk food eaten, and i even just had a cramp in my feet while I was in the midst of focus group lor. win already!

Ad I attribute the cramp to too much tea - too cooling you know.. darn. means cannot wear heels again.. for a while, i was able to wear heels day in day out without cramp lors

now wear flats also have cramps lor.
tomorrow i will eat fruits and no more than 2 coffee and no tea. sigh..

work is so toxic!darn!

我怀念的

I have been listening to this song over the past week, and I was struck by it since the first time I heard it over the radio..

It did something to my heart.. the lyrics are too real, too raw.. and too easy to emphatise with.. The lyrics seemed to echo so many of the exact words that I have thought of in the past..

Sometimes, it just take something like this to start remembering..

Things which one thought no longer exist.
Things that one thought were well buried.
Things which one thought were so forgotten, but it came as a shock that one remembers the emotions vividly.
So Lucidly.
Making one shrink away in fear of confronting that again. Ever .

歌手：孙燕姿 专辑：逆光

作词:姚若龙 作曲:李偲菘

我问为什么 那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么 不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我 不愿意敷衍我
还是明白 你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么 我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么 却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着 把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕 真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日 也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空 最紧的右手 最暖的胸口
谁记得 谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后 也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火 最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由 谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心 谁忘了那就是承诺

谁自顾自地走 谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重 谁忘了要给你温柔

我放手 我让座
假洒脱 谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了 所以我
没有哭 没有说

Missing...

Missing - both a verb and a descriptor (adjective).. as in..
I am missing because someone is missing...

This odd feeling of neediness is weird.
Was your world the same as mine, when I used to be away last time?

In a way I feel reassured.. if i can miss something, then it means it is an important part of my life.
The again, can one miss something simply because of familiarity and nothing else?

Sometimes the sadist in me feel that deprivation is good.... when one is made to crave for something, then the satisfaction one feels when one gets it eventually is much greater...

So for a relationship, sometimes it is good to put it through a test..
If both parties feel the need to be with each other, it reaffirms their belief and vows to be together.

I was at an ad agency for a meeting on Monday morning.
And in a very deja vue way, while waiting at the lobby for my appointment, the holographic on the wall was playing vignettes of past movies..

As i just sat down to see what it was showing, it showed Tom Cruise and the Bridget Jones woman.. and followed with vignettes of the movie and then the famous moment and line "You had me at hello" after the lady had opened the door.. and at that very moment.. I miss you so much.

How can I not believe in signs? When they pop up at the most innocuous moments, as if they are telling me that they know what I am going through.

Tom Cruise shares the same birthday with you. The first movie we saw had Tom Cruise in it.. how weird is that now that I think abt it.. and I had to see the movie vignette like 10 years later recently.. when I was just thinking about you..

My life is weird..

Toxic

I think work is toxic..it just took me 2 weeks back at work to almost turn me into a coffee craving and workaholic maniac...

Dun get me wrong, I love my job, it offers lotsa variety and challenge, and lots of stimulating stuff to my mind, perfect for the cerebrel airsign, me. But the hours and dateline can be crazy.

After taking work easy (free lancing) for some time.. and having been around innocent kids for a couple of months, it has been a while since I felt so hyper..

But work, when taken in huge doses and without the right mental perspective nor direction , is nothing but toxic.

It poisons our mind and makes us think it is the most important thing in the world.
It corrupts our mind and heart into craving for power, for more money, for a bigger ambition..
It weakens our soul as it makes us forget what it feels like to return to a gentle, peaceful world. It makes us fearful and leaves us feeling naked if we do not feel all that important at work.

This, is a disease of today's world.
I have people telling me work is their life. Well, go get another life then.

I am passionate about the work i do. When I am at work, my mind is on with its tentacles all out to grab the next big idea that comes along.

But something in me has changed. Maybe i had managed to save myself or re-connect with myself while I was spending all that time alone and doing things that are meaningful to me. Things that gave me equal satisfaction, if not more, than work.

I feel more empowered and in control when I return to work this time round. I know the toxic is there but I do not succumb to it. I have that awareness not to fall into that trap again. And i hope this clear lucid sense of who I am lasts.

It is not that I am not ambitious, I am - but ambition is no longer my only driver. I give my fill at work, but I also want another life away from work. So this time round, even though I have a 6pm dateline, and it was already 12 pm when I was only at slide 12 of this crazy 3in1 cum more than a million bucks proposal (and if you know the work I do, you will know how crazily BIG that number is for a proposal) , I "zen" myself.

I did not skip lunch as I would use to do, but instead I went for lunch to fortify myself for the battle later on. I told myself that I will finish by six.. and i refuse to let the panic and time crunch eat me alive. It is as if I was outside of myself looking in.

And I won. At 8 pm, i strut out of office knowing I did a good piece of work, and nothing of that work hangs on to me. Cuz I know I fulfilled my role at work, and now I want to come home with hubby to my babies, whom i missed ..

This - is empowering. And maybe, this is also growth.

比我幸福..

因为有人为了你, 可以多做准备, 很有毅力的要完成某件事.

他的这行为, 让我不仅想: 你比我重要吗?
你在他心中有多少分量?

为何他可以花那么多心思因为你, 那我又是什么?

在一个平凡的一天, 他可以特地的为你做那么多. 但, 同样的他, 在一个该很特别的一天, 为我做的却只是无比平凡的事.

平凡 - 是幸福吗?

*********************************
我想起周董的
"珊瑚海 "

转身离开
(你有话说不出来)
分手说不出来
海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外

当初彼此（你我都）不够成熟坦白(不应该)

热情不在 (你的) 笑容勉强不来

爱深埋珊瑚海

我爱周董, 因为我的心酸在他的歌中, 得到解脱.

Signs Sign Signs?

For a person who believe quite a bit in signs, destiny and fate, I think the sign-ology is trying to tell me something. Cuz just last week, I blogged when I heard abt X living the last days of her life, and this week, I was told that an ex-colleague whom i respect and like greatly are suffering through the worst, and yes, the LAST days of hers too. and Alone...

I have never met AT, cuz she was my overseas counterpart.
We talked quite a fair bit, and we worked on a couple of projects together. I greatly admired her work ethic and like her as a person: sincere, unassuming, and genuine.

Now i heard she has a disease which makes her brain cells grow smaller, and it is messing up her memory. Today she will remember how to go to the toilet, tomorrow she may have no recollection of how to do such a deed at all. Yes, such disease do exist. And debilitating it is, particularly if one used to be a bright and wholesome person. Such stuff happened to 1 in dunno how many million, so yes, the doctors do not have the cure for it too.

But it is extra painful because the memory comes and goes. It reminds me of the Korean movie "A Moment to Remember", where the actress had a failing memory.. and had to give up her love of her life, as it will be very painful for both whenever she forgets him.. tragic and beautiful, I cried buckets over it, and Nomad was just telling me a few weeks ago her sis kept watching it over and over again, and she recommended me to me not knowing I had seen it (that could be a sign too - all pointing to something). And back then I wonder if such disease really happened to anyone, and now it is happening to someone I know.

The worst for AT is - her husband is seeing someone as young as perhaps, their daughter. AT's mum just passed away recently too. In face of all these, AT tried to end her life - unsuccessfully. And now, she can't continue to stay in SG for treatment cuz her permit does not allow her to or something, but her daughter is pregnant so not advisable to travel probably, so AT has to go back alone to her country.

And she has only about 3 months more to live..

Can you imagine the pain of something like that happening? What kind of choices is there in such situation ... if I put myself in her shoes..

I will not see my grandchild born..
The man I devoted nearly half my life to left me when I needed him most.
The close kin has left me too, an emotional upheaval I do not have the energy to cope with..

Maybe, in face of that, I can understand why suicide may be an option.
My 口头缠 whenever I imagine a bad scenario, or when something bad had happened, I will say "去死了算了".
I think, this situation that AT is in may well really make that statement valid.

And with all these people facing such pain and tough decisions in their lives as X and now AT, with me hearing about them one week after another, I dunno if they are a sign to me..

If they are, I want to say that,

I know there are bigger things in life - my kids have shown me that.
I know I have to show humility and grace and gratitude for what I have, and what I am so far.
I know life is not about work, nor money nor status.. living a life is bigger than that. So I have changed my approach to work. I am still going to work hard, but not at the expense of anything.
I also know that joy is being in the now, in the present..

But I can still feel the tragic-ness for these people I know.. the debilitating effects I may never know, but the loss, or the pain of loss, I can empathise..

My thoughts are with you, even though you may not already remember who I am...

To all the people still out there chasing.. Stop it, Stop it, Stop it pls, before it is too late.

The present

On my 4th day back to work, I had to meet up with a friend/ ex colleague for a business network - cum catch up lunch.

It was surprisingly really enjoyable. My friend is a very candid person, at work, she used to come across as direct and abrupt, but she is very sincere. No falsities, no superficial action and no BS.

And of course, she exclaimed at the amount of weight I have put on, I think I must be darn thin previously. Then she complimented me on my complexion. I took it all in good grace cuz I know she is sincere, and real. She is not getting kicks just from telling me in my face I am fatter now, nor offering false pretenses by complimenting me.

We talked about work, and people and politics and sucky work stuff. Then she told me recent and real incidents of people that we both know at work suffering from cancer.

When she said how futile the fight against cancer was, that "X has stopped chemo", I had to blink twice. In a sense, X has chosen to give up chasing and fighting, but started living out what is gonna be the last journey of X's life.

The fact that the conversation is about the people we know, whom we once spoke to, worked with, smiled at and all, made one sit up and re-think about one's own lives.

We conclude that we should start living. And this gels so well with one of the books I happened to pick up at Borders last night, which was about how the best present for ourselves is "the present".

Now is everything that there is and we have. The past has gone its way and is too late for us to chase nor change anything. The future is something we should not assume will always be there for us.

What we have is only the present. Live in the present. Revel in the present - the goodest, the good, the bad, the baddest.

For X to give up chasing the future, and not lament how X has chosen to spend the past, is realistic and the best present for X. X has chosen to stay in the present. And Enjoy the present.

Start living everyday as if it is our last day.. I think this expression is so apt. Yet so hard to do, we just have to try and make a conscious effort to do it.

So I really regretted being angry at my mum this morning. Those heat in the moment impulses ought to be checked and controlled. And they are not worth our efforts; if today had been my last day, will the issues we fight about still matter?

If you do an audit on the issues we often fight about, chances are - most will not matter if tomorrow is our last day. So perhaps, we should think about issues worth fighting about, and matters worth our attention.

To give up on yourself to pursue wealth, career at the expense of what is YOU may be too great a great price. But we always think misfortune will not befall on us, that we are/ will be the lucky ones. Then, we should express our gratefulness by living each day given to us well.

I dunno what point I am trying to make - too convoluted. But when I return to office and look at my datelines and deliverables, they do not seem so daunting after all. Cuz in my mind, I have relegated them to a small corner of my life. ..

First Day Back @ Work...

and it has to be a rainy morning - making me wish I can continue to lie in bed instead..

And when i went back to office, nothing much has changed-

the paper clutter, the messy clipboard sheets, the stacks of folders, the laptop with grimy keyboard, the missing pens, the missing mouse..

Alas, nothing much has changed, yet it seems like everything is different..

My heart is different..

When you have tagged your heart to someone, the craving to see that someone, just to be nearer to that someone - that is like bittersweet chocolate..

And homecoming is like marshmallow in hot chocolate - snuggly sweet.

Even if that someone is in bed dreaming the sweet dreams already - a little kiss, a feather- like stroke of the face and hair.. I am contented.

A normal day...

Today seems like a normal day.
Husband and I have a very normal date day.

Sent En to have his jab taken;
Sent En to the nanny;
Went to Vivocity to shop aimlessly, bought some frivolous street watches;
Went to Wild Rocket for Lunch - totally not impressed, I did not even have dessert and if you know me, me walking outta a restaurant sans dessert is the ultimate insult to the restaurant
Went to watch movie;
Came Home to cook steak for everyone.

Normal date - something we have not done for quite some time.

but..

Today was our wedding anniversary. Where is the fireworks?

Papillion Gal in Clark Quay

I know I have degenerated when I have started thinking about whether the clothing piece that I was considering to buy will go with my Birkenstock. My pair of Birkenstock is named Papillion and I bought it for comfort when lugging the kids around.

But I have grown so attached to it that I have worn it everywhere, and almost with any outfit I wore. I even subliminally had my toes painted a similar shade of pink ,during CNY, which matches with the flower design on the shoes!

Of course, not all outfits go with the slippers. So I have degenerated to
1. Only wearing outfits which matched the shoes, no matter where I went (more on that in later)
2. Buying clothes that will enable me to wear the slippers

And when I started wondering if I can stretch to wearing them to the office when I start work in 2 weeks time, I know I am a nut case. But the thought of wearing anything else dis -tresses me quite a bit. I feel naked when wearing my Nine west heels or my JWest wedges. Yes, the slippers are so comfy, and quite me now.

That is bad, really bad. So I think I will need to go COLD TURKEY soon to wean off my reliance on this pair of slippers.

***********************************************

Last night, 2 couples, who are of the most unlikely profile to hit the Clark Quay's happening club scene, were spotted at Clark Quay late at night.

Hubby and me, and his cousin and his wife rode in their Rover to Clark Quay - us leaving our 2 kids asleep in our house and them leaving their 3 kids asleep in their (with our helpers of course). At about 11pm, we decided that we are a tad bored.

We went though the options of
1. watching movies - too many choice movies for our inebriated minds to decide on (thanks to the XO fish noodles with an overdose of XO and the Blackberry merlot that we had for dinner)
2. playing Bridge, chua dai di (again, probably too zonk to be any good)
3. checking out the club scene in Clark Quay in preparation of other subsequent weekend nite activity

So dressed as we were in our weekend casual - yes, me in my Papillion slippers and khaki pants and top, hubby in bermudas, slippers and tee, and cousin and his wife slightly better dressed than us, we went to Clark Quay to check out the joints.

It's been quite some years since I went to Clark Quay - so happening ah!
We were fascinated by the The Clinic joint and its people standing next to their drip - and then another of NJ's cousin who was having a Hen's night for a friend was there in The Gotham Penthouse and telling us that there will be a male striptease dance show at 12 MN for 20 bucks per pax apparently. Wow, Singapore so open meh? We passed by a joint names One Night Stand with life bands and shows - and amazingly Kid's Menu.. making Yvonne wonder what's with the kids menu... Imagine the kids saying "We want One Night Stand!".. duh..

And I notice that all the joints are furbished in similar themes - the Art Decoratif and Gothic themes in decor are in - clearly manifested in the dark wall papers with brilliant motifs and the Gothic chandeliers of all kinds. So the minimalist fad is now gone.

So quite under-dressed we were, but I figured age has enhanced our confidence such that we don't feel awkward roaming around the happening place with people in all their fancy garb.

And then feeling hunger pangs, we went Geylang to check out the makan scene there in addition to the night scene. It was a normal night for me again.. back in civilization.

These stolen hours are all the more precious because they are stolen, and downright wicked because we were able to abdicate our duty as parents for those few hours.. YOOHOO!! Clubs and joints soon we come!

SeXxxxY

I love this advertisement! I drool loads over this advertisement when I saw it some months back.

And it just ooozzzzes with sexuality and sensuality.

I am not huge fan of Beckham or Victoria, but I really admire the ad. I felt it was very well orchestrated and beautifully taken, such that it conveys the feeling of intimacy very well!!

Sluurrp!

Drink till we drop anyone?

After reading Ms Nomad's blog on her succumbing to beer, I think maybe one of my problems is the lack of alcohol in my blood for like, urm, 2 years?!

So long lor! wah lauz, now that I think about it, a bit scary. Can abstain for so long.. the wonder of kids leh.

I mean, I am not a die hard drinker - but back when I was working till I drop, we always also party till we drop to beat the sheer exhaustion from work.

I remember the shots we buy by dozens and then have to drink till we puke, the crazy things we do after too many shot like stage dancing.. *shudder* how did we end up actually doing that huh.. then the various beer sessions by the coffeeshop.. or the wine shop, or at home..

And in some way, it always feel better after we do the crazy things inspired by the liquor... be it through actions or just letting it out through words..

Now that I think of it, maybe I just need a drink, or many drinks, to drown out the nasty feelings..

And the other things about drinking huh is.. If you can find people to drink with you, those people are your real friends, and i can only count a small handful.. Cuz it takes a lot of courage, you know, to see through the liquor inspired actions of your friends.. and alcohol inspire a kind of comrade-ship - the having to look out for each other kinda comrade-ship..

Then it is strange to a certain extent that I don't drink with my hubby.. maybe he not a great fan of clubbing, nor excessive drinking.. maybe I should make him suffer through my liquor inspired actions.. hakhakk.. kinda like a litmus test of our relationship???

找个有用的女人,做个有用的女人

I met Mr. Dan for lunch the other day, both to talk shop and to talk rot.

He very nicely offered to fetch me up from my yoga class and we went for lunch in a Japanese place at the Market Street, which served surprisingly nice Japanese set lunch. Of course the parking was cut throat - a bloody $8 for a short 1 hour plus. But I have a great time - the talk shop was fulfilling, we got all the stuff sorted out efficiently. And the talk rot part was refreshing - being the air sign Aquarius - I love it when people say things that shocked or surprised me. I am rarely shocked, as I have a really high tolerance for eccentricities. So I am endeared to those who can catch me by surprise. And during the talk rot part, Mr. Dan managed to catch me by surprise and twice in that short span of an hour plus - that is a record hor!

Before I get to the surprise bit, have to share this. You know, it feels really great when you are around guys who have acquired the gentlemanly "ways". Gestures such as rushing to open the door ahead of me, and walking over to be on my side of the road where the traffic/ cars turn into the lane, are divinely charming. I do not expect such gestures - in this day and age, I seem to meet more men who just let you open your own doors and look out for yourself. And I am more than capable of looking out for myself, but still, such gestures are just charming, nonetheless.

So back to the surprise part. We were talking about why I have to do yoga 3 times a week. I can't seem to come up with a reasonable reason, and as I was yee- yawing, he just said: "You are just trying to psyche and prepare yourself back to work right!" Eureka! That exactly hit the nail on the spot. I mean, i did not even realise that is what I have been subliminally doing, till he articulated it. A tad scary - machiam like he know me better than myself.

Then we got on to the topic of his view on relationship and again he surprised me. He told me that at his age and lifestage, he is looking for the woman who can be "useful" to him. That is a new slant of looking at it.

I mean, sure, there are probably a lot of people who think that way, whether consciously or not, but I have yet to meet someone who is so brutally honest and factual about it. I was trying to get him to define "useful", and his concept of "useful" was less tangible than I thought. He was just looking for a woman who will enhance/ boost his life, rather than to drag him down. Alas, i.e. not looking for a useless woman la. Sor-des. Someone more independent and who will give him the occasional nudge to get him moving when he is nua-ing. Sounds very sensible and logical. And of course a tad cold blooded to me.

I always think chemistry, sparks and fireworks are real important in any relationship. If you cannot even make me feel any spark of excitement of being with you, the chance of me being able to live with you day in and out is almost certainly zilch!

So his level of rationality behind what he is looking for in a long term relationship kinda surprised me and scared me. Maybe I know him back when we were both much younger and without a care in the world. At the same age, now I am already married with 2 kids, and he is en route to Miss Right. And I can see the change in him, just as he must have seen the changes in me as he kept calling me Auntie, though I kept trying to tell him that I was dressed so "logged" that day cuz it is my gym day lor! So coiff up for what lor!

But it made me wonder if men look at relationship so differently from woman. I have met a few other men who said the following to me:

"There is always a prettier gal, a cuter gal out there. I will just settle for one who is nice to me"

"外面有那么多美的, 要看的话看不完的拉. 找到自己喜欢的就好咯!"

So these men seem to know what they are looking for and when to stop looking, so much more rational than female. And it frankly freaks me out. Where is the head turning passion and love? Aren't rationality and love supposed to be the antithesis of each other?

So I told him I will come back and ask hubby if he ever thought and decided that he will marry me cuz he think I will be useful to him. Though seriously I don't really think he will see me as useful leh. But it also got me reflecting:whether I am one of those woman who is capable of dragging a man down, particularly with my bad temper and mood swings. So I have not popped him the question yet, in case it is an answer that I do not want to hear.

Back in my Cave again - 无耐

Ever felt like you are not in sync with anything around you?

Ever felt that what others are doing, saying and pursuing seem so meaningless?

Ever felt that you seem to have outgrow everything, including perhaps, even outgrow yourself such that you are in this selfless, floating-to-noway, airy state?

And the end result: alienated, alone, lost, lost lost.

Some things are so toxic in this world. Or is the toxic just residing in me?

I used to read in a John Gray's book on relationships that Men retreat to their cave when they have a lot on their minds or when things are going wrong. In that way, I think I behave like a man.

I always want to find a place to hide away, it is that or to find a place to escape to when the going gets just too much.

And the worst is I cannot concretely tell you what is wrong. But I just feel so wrong. So.. meaningless. So crass. So NoT-Me.

It is ok, I do not expect anyone to get it. When I am in such a mood, I do not even bother to put all my thoughts into words, cuz they just do not make any sense.

At times, I am happy, or I seem to be happy. But deep down, the distress is brewing, and brewing and brewing. And now that I am a mum, it means I have to put on the happy masks more often. I hope this happy mask business does not become a habit.

I hope this is not some delayed post natal depression sh*t.

There is no cure for my condition.

I just need huge doses of happiness, or mega doses of hopes and inspirations.
Or simply, I need to find that meaning. That convinces me that I am fine, and will be fine.
Or worst, I simply need to pull myself outta it and walk out of that cave.

So do I have a problem? Yes. Big time.
I miss A.C. So much. Esp. in times like this. Some things cling on me like a disease I never grew out of. I really worked myself not to get into all that sh*t again. Cuz I have to be responsible to my hubby, and now to my kids.

But sometimes, I also just want to let it all go and be myself. Till I am ready to be the strong person that I am supposed to be.

The past haunts me, and the future scares me.
The present? It bores me, numbs me, and freezes me.
Making me feel dead and lifeless.

I am Screaming, I am Losing All of it...

It just feels so divinely great when we find a good music album, and we have been looking for this particular 张悬 album for some time. Yes, most will go huh - who?

I first know her from a song "宝贝", and the simplicity of the song and its lyrics really warmed my heart.

When we finally got her album, it was simply smashing. It has been quite some time since we came across such a fantastic album.

And it is uncanny how Hubby and me seem to like the same things.. I have already decided to blog about this particular song this afternoon until I discovered that Hubby has already beat me to it in his blog. My favourite song in the album is also "Scream". Simply because I can so relate to that song.. the song just depicted all how I felt sometimes, all the time, and for some time back, I have been feeling that way just way too often..

Upon hearing that song, my first thought it I have to blog about it, and have Ms.Nomad listen to it too cuz I have this feeling she will love it too... Hmm...

So here it is, check out the MV. Just Solid.

Anti- PAP & The Card Whizz

Am on my way back from Yoga class, and am anxious to go home for lunch. As the bus cranked along the streets towards Chinatown, I stared outta the windows mindlessly, bored between my ears. While I remembered to bring my iPod Nano this time, I forgot to bring the earphones, how stupid was that! I suppose life as a mum with 2 kids is like that, pregnancy screws up one's memory cells.

But just when I thought it can't get anymore stale than this, I heard a man go "Do not vote for the PAP", in Mandarin. I turned my head and found the owner of that voice seated across the aisle from me. And he was staring at me.

Maybe I have a "cheena" look on my voice, maybe I was one of the youngest in the bus now that a group of elderly folks have boarded the bus at the Chinatown stop, or maybe I just have this yuppie look which made him think I am a PAP supporter.

I looked at him, an elderly man in light blue shirt and bright blue pants, wearing large spectacles from the bygone era. His large, black doctor's suitcase was next to him, sharing the space on the seat together with a large plastic bag (I think I must write something about elderly folks and plastic bags next time, plastic bags are like fashion accessories to the old folks, along with their umbrellas or walking sticks).

I must have given him an uncertain look, because he continued, "They are 残暴, 比秦史皇更残暴" (translated to mean that the PAP is cruel, worst than the Qin Emperor). And he went on with the usual grouses on why we should not vote for PAP, that the PAP showed their true colours after the election by increasing the GST taxes and not helping the poor and needy.

The he went on to elaborate why it is important to vote for the opposition, and that we must not fear that the opposition will overtake the government. In my mind, I was thinking that I happen to live in a constituency that does not warrant voting, thanks to MM Lee. So I was never really caught in any such political dilemma.

It probably showed on my face, because uncle went on in his cultured voice, "If you do not want to vote the opposition, then I will teach you a method. Just do not show up on the voting day, I have asked Jeyaratnam, it is not a crime not to vote. In the history of the past 50 years, no one was sent to jail for not voting, so it is not a crime."

That is a bit of news to me. The he revealed even more information. He brought up historical example to back his case: "Sun Zhong-san has always been asking people to vote for the opposition, and he did that for 15 years before he successfully overthrow the Qing Dynasty. I know cuz I saw 2 movies on Sun Zhong-San 20 years back - one from china and one from Taiwan. So, you should also ask all your friends not to vote for PAP."

Hmm.. My mind chewed over the little tidbit.. Imperial Qing dynasty will not have a voting system, how to vote? I think he meant support the opposition, instead of voting for the opposition.

I do not know what to say. He is not lunatic for sure, neither does he seem in a frenzy, with raging passions against the PAP. Then again, as a JB Jeyeratnam supporter, I think he belongs to one of those rational anti-PAP folks, not the raving illogical ones. He spoke in proper Mandarin and logically, not raising his voice all the while. However, I hesitated in engaging him, as I was not sure where this is leading. But I gave him tentative smiles and nodded my head accordingly to acknowledge what he was saying. And the other passengers in front of us were turning to stare.

Uncle must have felt that he had done his fair share of propagandizing, and proceeded to take out the Chinese newspapers to read.

And I was left alone once again - but amused and with something to think about..

Then I spotted this guy seated somewhere further to the front of the bus. He had a stack of poker cards in his hands and was going through them methodically - like he was practising some card tricks and fancy moves. That is new - the next time I am bored, perhaps, I should bring a pack of cards along.

I was fascinated for the rest of the bus ride home - with this man who was flipping and slicing the cards, and fanning out the cards so beautifully that I thought he may have worked in the casino or something. He would then randomly draw a card out and replace it somewhere in the stack, and then proceeded to shuffle and find the card again. I think I must have met the card whizz - and he is not Chinese. Not that cards are a thing that is exclusively Chinese, it is just not very common to see a non-chinese as fascinated with the cards, think: Have you ever seen a Non Chinese working in the Genting Casino distributing cards? I have not and Malaysia has more Malay population right? Or maybe, I am just a Sua-Ku. Don't flame me if I am wrong. Just my observation that's all.

As I alighted from the bus, my steps were lights and I did not begrudge the rather long bus ride home. It had given me something to muse about and made my mind smile.

*****A writing style inspired by Peter Mayle*****

千里之外

我们好像很久都没有好好谈话了.

可能你很忙;
可能我们没机会一同上班下班;
可能也因为我们没一同吃饭;

所以谈话的机会少了.

人好像真的会因为少谈话而变得陌生.

我对你现在有些陌生, 想不到你在想什么, 猜不到你的思绪.
即使你就在我身旁, 我却感觉千里之外.

可能这就是所谓的 "世界上最远的距离, 是当你就在身旁".

我很想你,
你也想我吗?

Rain Rain..

I love rainy weather as it makes one feel like it is autumn or winter, but the torrential rain of the past week has left me feeling trapped at home.

The rain is just so heavy that I do not even want to step out of the house, as it makes one feel that even the umbrella will not be enough to battle the rain..

And with them come some depressing thoughts.. I started playing the "What If..." game in my mind again.. And this time round I dun like the questions I am asking, so I won't share them here, cuz I don't have any answers to the wat-ifs..

I hope this mood goes away soon.. I need some pampering cheer up soon..

CNY just came and went?!!

Can't believe that CNY just came and went.
And we did the usual rounds of gathering and visiting.

And life goes on..
Like that meh?!
What is the meaning of CNY?!

I used to be depressed when holidays end, ala post hols depression.
And it didn't hit when CNY ends this year, I am simply amazed that it went by just like that, without me feeling much of anything.

So duh!

My heart broke...

When I heard this...

So the man said to the girl:

" That is the difference between you and me:
While you tried your hardest to forget my face, my voice and me,
I was desperately trying to hold onto your smile,
the warmth of your hand, even the warmth of your body"

ahhh...

The Last King Of Scotland

Hubby and I manage to time out and went for a movie last night.

These days, with babies, it tough to find time to do such things, so ultra selective we are to make sure the show is worth our time.

Had been meaning to drool over Ken Watanabe in Letters from Iwo Jima but when we reached Plaza Sing, we found that the Last King of Scotland is still showing - so watch-ah!! So I will have to drool Ken next time.

But it is so satisfying to have watched a good film, with a great cast and cinematography.
I came out of the show elated, but with aching muscles all over. Why? Because the show is so darn intense!! I was really curling up in my seat in fear, in anticipation and at one point, think I nearly chew the skin off hubby's hand.

Yes, Whitake's portrayal of Amin is that terrifying. And he really looks the part! When I came back and compare Amin's photos with Whitake in the show, wow, quite a strong resemblance in "spirit" of the face - the look, the aura, it is all well internalised in Whitake. It must be darn scary to try to live in the skin of such a scary/ crazy man.

And his unpredictability adds a lot of thrill to the show, and I was so absorbed into the film i really forgot myself, hence, the aging muscles.

I love every bit of it. And I think a man's madness is scary. And when it is an issue of life and death, I wonder about the kind of courage it takes to overcome such a tyrant.

So I came back and goggle Amin to read more about this terrifying man. And i found this site that listed a summary of all the scary men in history, which has Amin listed under the Killers category. Along with him are the other famous killers in the 20th century, so I had a bloodthirsty time lapping it all up. Quite intriguing, so much so I have it in my bookmark so I can continue to learn more about these Killers, there is a Heroes category but Heroes are predictable yeah and not half as exciting.

It is always the extreme "Other" that intrigue us, as there is no way we can be in their skin, what makes them tick, what is their motivation.

And I am on a high from this film, maybe i have been a bit movie deprived, but bad movies are really a waste of time, so when a good one comes by, it is like having eaten the most sinful of chocolates, or having been given a really special treat - and it makes me feel good all over.

Except for the aching muscles! Still aching today, darn!

Re-think about Retirement

Miss Nomad came by during CNY and messed up my retirement plan. Darn.
But it was a good mess up cuz it is good to start re-thinking about growing old.

And growing old in Singapore especially.

Ms. Nomad shared her experience of volunteer work with old folks. The plight of the old folks is tough to swallow. And we concluded that in old age - there is strong positive correlation between "happiness and the amount of money you have", much more than any other stage in your life.

Imagine - you like TV, much like my Hubby, but to save money on utilities, no TV/ VCD.
You like to cook to save some $ on food, but utilities are expensive so you end up buying instead, and split the purchased food for 2 meals.

The state of old age, and I am talking about age about 65, can be pathetic in Singapore.
Especially if no one takes care of you.
Especially if you do not have much money.

So I woke up. We should not be planning for retirement - I mean I never really think about my life beyond 55. We should be thinking about growing old, like really old which is alike age 70 and above.

The media shows fulfilling old age life - but those people have money to see them through.
People who have less will not even talk about quality of life, its about survival, and frankly, at that age, it is perhaps, easier to just die off.

Is our society punishing the old? Sometimes I can't help but think we are.

All the talk about savings, non welfare state, and upgrading your skill so you can find a job, blah blah blah. Come on, like hubby said very rightly - "These people worked for all their lives"!! At the age of 70, what more can they do? What more does the state want them to do?!

What freaking skill upgrade are we talking about - the reality is there will be a generation gap - the old aged learning computer skill now will not be able to work adequately in the office environment still - and I am not even talking about whether companies want to employ them or not. I am only 30, but I can already foresee that the world my kids will grow up in will be freaking different, and all that we know will be very rightly obsolete, as one of my friends keeps reminding my baby.

So even if these people want to work - the forces working against them are too great - physically they may be too weak even if the spirit is willing. And after tolling all their lives away, the world that they find themselves in when they grow old are no longer what they are familiar with - (apparently, letters to these old folks -knowing they are old folks are still written in English - for what?! like they know how to read - so you have volunteers like Ms. Nomad reading letters for them!). They are alienated in such a world, and we really blame them for not trying hard enough?! Do we have to play catch up all our lives, is that the message that our government is saying?

And if we can't catch up, then is it only right that we are punished? Do we have to make this world so terrible when we clearly have the capacity to do otherwise?? In singapore, do we only value those who have contributed and marginalised those who have contributed all their lives?!

I always think we should have some kind of welfare state - at least for the old aged, i.e. those really old like 65 and beyond.

We value and respect the old, so the government preached - it is in our tradition to respect the old. Confucious will agree a lot.

Then why can't the state support these folks? I will be very willing to have my taxes go to these lonely old folks.

The state claims they do help those needy old folks.. yar.. riiiight.
Those on Special Assistance scheme are given like 200 plus a month, but they have to use part of that money to pay rent. Duh - left pocket out and right pocket in. What is so wrong with just letting them stay FOC, already they are on Special Assistance scheme right?

Do have to be so anti-welfare state that we build in these bureaucratic measures so that we can claim that we are NOT a welfare state?!

And let's project the future - the current batch of old folks had it tough all their lives, many are migrants who know hardship as it is. So they can "dong" this pathetic state of life.

People our age - the post 65 generation, many are used to having it good - seriously.
When they grow old, can they bear the hardship that comes with limited money, loneliness and lack of assistance? Frankly, I think we are gonna have more problems with the post 65 old folks.
And i think I better start thinking about how Hubby and I are gonna spend our days when we are 70. Let's not expect our kids will do anything for us, if they do, that will be the icing on the cake. Let's try to survive old age ourselves - sans kids, and sans state.

And suddenly, I am very afraid.

Hubby says he will watch TV everyday to pass time - so we need some money for TV gadgets (or whatever they have 30 years from now) and money for utility bills.

I think i don't mind playing Mahjong all day - be it cyber or physical, so i will need a laptop or MJ kakis. Which made me remember the vision we had with our MJ kakis, that we will live on the same floor of the same estate when we grow old, and have a table permanently outside our homes. And play Mahjong till the cow comes home. Not bad - very economical way to spend time. Nice.

爱情- 你是什么东西？

在同一天，

我听说有人结婚了 - - 好高兴。

我听说有人在寻找爱情 - - 好多憧憬。

我听说有人可能要离婚了 - - 好伤心， 害怕。

爱情 - 你到底是什么东西？
在同一个国度里， 你能挥洒着那么多的情感。
你拥有着什么力量？
我要怎样才能得到你的青睐？ 得到你所能带来的幸福？

如果你与婚姻是个游戏， 那么， 我只能， 也只想玩一次。
我的情感， 只能这样的付出一次， 也只有勇气给予这么一次。
因为我相信爱就那么一次。
能让我相信爱的人， 可能也只有他。。。

我是个读琼瑶长大的女身， 请不要对我残忍。。。
我不想有悲惨韩剧的结局。

My Addiction

After painfully going cold turkey for almost a year, I thought I have succeeded...
I thought I have kicked the habit...

But it is hard when there are people around me who still do it...
The temptation is too great...
How true it is that they say, to totally rid the habit, I should stay away from people who indulge in it.

I should have known better..
I should have said "No" they they first offer it to me again..

But I caved in, because somewhere deep down, I do crave for it..
I miss the high when I indulge in it..
I love the release it brings me..

And so,
Darn! I have taken up

PLAYING FINAL FANTASY ON PSII AGAIN!!!!!!

Frivoulous Post - V Day Song

I spent V Day continuing to watch VCD (Which Star Are You From) with Hubby..

And while we did not do anything very romantic, well, the male lead in the drama certainly made up for it, by singing this simple and nice song.

Of all the OST which were much raved about the others fans of this drama series, I love this song best. It is not even very well-sung, and it is a very basic and simple song, but something about this song touched me.. and I really like the simplicity of it. If you are keen to hear the song, just watch the first 3 minutes of the clip.. :)

I think the Chinese translation fits the song better...

你是为了被爱而诞生的
在你的生活中 你已被爱了
你是为了被爱而诞生的
在你的生活中 你已被爱了

神的爱从创世开始
因我们的相见而开花结果
你存在这个世界上
让我幸福快乐

你是为了被爱而诞生的
那份爱 现在也持续爱着你
你是为了被爱而诞生的
那份爱 现在也持续爱着你

Yeah, 被爱是幸福的吧!!

Hairy Business

Today, I finally booked myself with the hair salon and spent 4 hrs in there. Got my hair cut and coloured.

And the result? I look like I am back to Secondary School - with that classic girl next door kinda hair cut. But with the Ah Lian highlights.. V. Shiok!! Hair salon is one of my many therapies, nothing is more shiok than going into a hair salon and have all your tresses cut off, layered, snipped, coloured etc while you sit there and stone..

And then, this Bob cut is supposed to be the forever trendy and hip cut. But it actually made me look like I am back in Secondary School leh.

Makes me think back in my secondary school, where girls have to maintain short hair unless they are dancers (- never understood that logic by the way), all of us girls were actually spotting the most trendy bob hairstyle already lah? To think we were complaining how boring our hairstyle was, how limiting, no human right bla bla bla.. when it was supposed to be the most classic of cuts leh..

See, it is all about marketing... sigh. But as this cut now falls on my this 15+ years older face, the effect a bit different lah. Can't decide if I like or dun like, so decide to put Hubby through the test:

So do you like my new hair? I asked
OK - He replied.
Then he said something which i think I cannot blog here, no matter how audacious I am.

So I conclude that he prefers gals with long hair - ala the Korean stars I think.. Eh.. come to think of it, he also like, never like any of my haircuts- there has never been a time when he will see and go like stunned (in a good way of course lah)

So either men dun spontaneously comment on gals new hair, or he doesn't like my hair.. but its ok. Its my hair and my life.. I likez can already. he can like other aspects of me.

Anyway, then I want to share this uneasiness i have with male hairdresser washing my hair.
Today is the first time I have a male, and quite a good looking one indeed, wash my hair. Quite amazing hor, for like30 years, only females been washing my hair.. hmm..

So, as I lie there, and him taking quite some time fiddling, stroking, massaging my hair, and then pressing my ears to prevent water from going in, I felt a bit uneasy, eh, maybe a bit violated (maybe too strong a word, but you know what I mean)..

It made me realise that hair washing is a rather intimate act. Having a man do it does not work for me. Maybe it is because he is good looking.. maybe because I am lying down, the body dynamics not good, maybe washing hair is quite intimate really.. but it is definitely something I rather not have anyone do except maybe Hubby..

So I will request for females only next time.. but how to ensure leh without seeming weird? hm..

And i wonder if hubby feels intimate too with the female hairdresser washing his hair.. hm...

My Latest Korean Drama Craze

Hubby and I have been watching this Korean drama, Which Planet Are You From?, recently when we started to have some private time to watch it at night when the babies are asleep.

I love the male lead and he loves the female lead - works out fine for us. Each of us have our personal eye candy.

It is a typical korean love story line - the kind that evokes all facets of love, from the excitement to the pain and, of course, the delirious joy when one falls in love. Not too bad to immerse one in all that love and hate business.

Well, again, all things lovey dovey seem to kinda fall into place in this month of love, anchored by THE Vday on 14 Feb.

1: Hubby's greatest love of 7 years is getting married. And he has been mopping around for the past 2 weeks since I first told him the news. He's been even blogging it - if you want some real life Singapore love drama, check it out here! hek hek! How am I taking it? Cool loh, but with lots of legitimate opportunities to suan him and make him squirm lor. What to do - everyone's first love is sacred lor.

2. Then we are watching this Korean drama - all those mushy love vibes are getting to me - the desire to love till death do us part kinda spirit if you know what i mean...

3.And of course everywhere I turn, I see signs o the V day.. sigh.. I also dunno.. some time back in time, Hubby and I must have tacitly agreed to stop celebrating on Vday.. Can't remember when was the last time we did something special on Vday. Well, it probably resulted out of economic reason - the flowers are too expensive, the dinners are to exorbitant and we felt exploited. Well, of course it did not help that the day falls in the month between my birthday and our anniversary. I mean, if we also celebrate that, then from December (X'mas) to March, we have a special day to plan for every month - very shiong on the wallet as well as the brain to conjure up so many gifts and things to do.. So to prioritise, well, we must have somehow dropped Vday along the way..

So, it seems a month to do all our lovey dovey stuff - to re-live the old memories, and create new ones!!

Dun Marry A Rabbit

because, if u are half like me, who believe in star signs, zodiac n the 通书, you will be miserable.

Why?

Because for the god knows how many years running, the Chinese zodiac books which are released before lunar new year, always warn of affairs for the sign of rabbit.

And dunno for how many years i been worrying, always if this year is gonna be the IT year.

And for the coming Golden Pig year, it ll be a fabulous years for all rabbits. Money good as promotion is in sight; and love good as affairs and opportunities abundant.

I was reading an article on divorce rate recently which further gave me the chills.

Most marriages start breaking up after having kids - check. (I have 2 kids, double the risk)
Average lifespan of relationship is 9 yrs before affairs begin - check (we are celebrating 10 yrs in a months time)
Men often have affairs with their colleagues or friends - check (hubby works in an ALL female environment)
Travelling men are more at risk - check. (Hubby may start travelling with the re-org)

So the scary little cat in me think this year may be the IT year....
Well, I used to think worst case scenario, I ll just walk away.
Now with 2 boys, walking away is not an option anymore.
So a bit panic cuz no exit strategy if bad things happen. darn.

Why the rabbits always kena 桃花运??? Sick!!