Back in my Cave again - 无耐

Ever felt like you are not in sync with anything around you?

Ever felt that what others are doing, saying and pursuing seem so meaningless?

Ever felt that you seem to have outgrow everything, including perhaps, even outgrow yourself such that you are in this selfless, floating-to-noway, airy state?

And the end result: alienated, alone, lost, lost lost.

Some things are so toxic in this world. Or is the toxic just residing in me?

I used to read in a John Gray's book on relationships that Men retreat to their cave when they have a lot on their minds or when things are going wrong. In that way, I think I behave like a man.

I always want to find a place to hide away, it is that or to find a place to escape to when the going gets just too much.

And the worst is I cannot concretely tell you what is wrong. But I just feel so wrong. So.. meaningless. So crass. So NoT-Me.

It is ok, I do not expect anyone to get it. When I am in such a mood, I do not even bother to put all my thoughts into words, cuz they just do not make any sense.

At times, I am happy, or I seem to be happy. But deep down, the distress is brewing, and brewing and brewing. And now that I am a mum, it means I have to put on the happy masks more often. I hope this happy mask business does not become a habit.

I hope this is not some delayed post natal depression sh*t.

There is no cure for my condition.

I just need huge doses of happiness, or mega doses of hopes and inspirations.
Or simply, I need to find that meaning. That convinces me that I am fine, and will be fine.
Or worst, I simply need to pull myself outta it and walk out of that cave.

So do I have a problem? Yes. Big time.
I miss A.C. So much. Esp. in times like this. Some things cling on me like a disease I never grew out of. I really worked myself not to get into all that sh*t again. Cuz I have to be responsible to my hubby, and now to my kids.

But sometimes, I also just want to let it all go and be myself. Till I am ready to be the strong person that I am supposed to be.

The past haunts me, and the future scares me.
The present? It bores me, numbs me, and freezes me.
Making me feel dead and lifeless.